my biggest fear has to be held back. i do not like the thought of everything staying the same. i need to move every 5 years and i cant imagine holding the same job for longer than 8 years. i need to search for more you know? i cant stay strapped down. the idea itself scares the shit out of me. how do people stand working in the same 9-5 jobs for years? does it not bore you? are you just so used to it that you never wanna search for better? i love the ability to up and go.

i think i just fear commitment. does that make me a horrible person? i guess so. i dont do good with relationship. friendships are easier to maintain than relationships. i have a good couple of friends that ive been with for more than 3 years (hi niki, scar, miller and tera) but it never works the same with relationships. they exhaust me at times. my longest relationship has to be with a specific ex, weve been on and off for 3ish years? last time we were together they realized how bad i was getting and decided for the both of us to go no contact. i cant blame them. it was right before i became the most awful person ever. even now i think theres a 50/50 chance id go back to them, they know me in and out. then again i spent 8 months being a cuck to a troon that emailed me to never talk to them again (after 2 weeks or something of no contact). it never works out for me you know? burrpss

i think the only thing thats seriously left for me is to kill myself. like ive thought of everything imaginable for myself and it all leads to the same route. ive conviced myself that any way of making money and creating something of myself is to get a degree and work a 7-5 for my whole life and thats not what i want lol. ive just been tired this whole month. i want nothing more to just give up. ive rejected my medication, ive rejected meals, ive rejected my friends. i just want to feel normal? you know. i just want to feel like i dont need to reply on those things.

okay thing thats actually brothering me; just saw a tiktok on it. i cant be with someone that doesnt have ambitions. no goals, no plans for the future. nothing. i cant imagine putting myself through that. i know i talk about my downfall a lot but i have things planned for myself. i want to create atleast a stable life for myself. i couldnt imagine being with someone that doesnt want the same. like?? i dont know. i will never be in a relationship with someone that doesnt want better for themselves. your just dooming the both of us.

why are online friendships hit or miss. anyways in trouble for not eating, lately my appetite has been less and less and i cant bring myself to eat and its always been like that. i dont wanna say i have an eating disorder cause it doesnt affect me but everyone else makes it seem like its supposed to? i mean? i just eat a little a day? is that wrong. i could go days without eating nd not be hungry. which is amazeballs. i dont know? i feel healthy, i dont faint or get dizzy, im normal weight. ive kept the same weight for years now. is that an eatinf disorder? i dont like the possibily that i have one cause that makes me feel demasculated. anyways.

today night, i cried a lot for like i think the first time. first time this month. lol.

really tired. sleepy maybe. i need to get my sleep schedule on track.

off topic, not really cause i decide the topics whatever. i think relationships should be built on friendship, all the exs that ive been with long terms i would consider my best friends at the time. i want a friend and a partner, not just a partner? funny. i dont like just short get to know each other periods and then we date: no i want to get to know everything about you and then connect with you on another level. is that too much to ask for? i feel like im bad at communicating sometimes. i feel like when i realize something is wrong the momment has already passed and i cant say nothing about it? today i had cereal and cried cause i realized all my issues are from years ago and talking about them now to a professional would be a waste of time. like the roots have inplanted themselves in my head.

my "ed" has gotten really bad. i couldnt sleep cause i felt bugs crawling all over me even tho when i checked i saw none and its sort of always been like that when im sleeping. and k couldnt sleep and when i got up i felt so sick. like i started heating up and sweating. and my head started banging and my stomach just felt empty. it was awful and i went to go eat and my aunt was there and she was like sorta watching me and it made me nervous and i ran to my room and vomitted. but nothing came out cause i havent seriously eaten anything. and i felt so sick. like i just laid on the bathroom floor for 10 minutes out of fustration. i felt so stupid. so stupid. i hate thinking i have an eating disorder. that makes me feel more sick than my actual symptoms

i feel like i just keep getting extremely worse. i wish i cohld talk to these things to people but sometimes i feel like i vent too much that its tiring. i dont like other people just thinking i come to them with my issues. the only 2 people that know the surface level of my issues are tera, niki and scar. and thats enough for me but i dont like burdening them at all. i feel bad after. anyways im so tired.

i have this huge anger in my right now. i dont want to talk to anyone. my headaches. i hate everyone. i hate everyone so much. why dont people just get over their exs before trying to persue someone. im thinking about actually cutting off everyone... except for my special 5, tera and viny.... all of you other people i could care less for. this is just awfuk. my head hurts so much and i hate this song but ive had it on repeat for an hour now. im so done physically and mentally. my suicidal thoughts have mushed my brain lately.

im so done with everything. i hate everyone. i hate you all. i need to disappear. i need to leave everyone without a trace. i need to end it all.